he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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