My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
operation have a gay friend backfired
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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