he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
