I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
