How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
