i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
