Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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