he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
