I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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