The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
3 2 1 whiskey
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
