I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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