Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
