You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
