I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
