If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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