She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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