My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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