Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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