There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
