nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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