i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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