he shaved USA in his pubs
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Houston, we have a blender
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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