captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
