I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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