He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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