I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
not ubering you a puppy
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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