I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
