I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
