It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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