I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The struggles of a small town man whore
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
