Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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