I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
