I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
