theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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