FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
