I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
