i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
