So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
