My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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