i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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