So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
