Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
not ubering you a puppy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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