where am i from again
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
