the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
