The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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