I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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