my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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