The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
