I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
