The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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