she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
