Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
